im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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