Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just invented taco cereal.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
