Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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