Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
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Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
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Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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