just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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