if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
