Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
