i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
