if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
