Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
