I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
