Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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