on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
