Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I still have a little drunk in my system
i now understand why vodka
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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