shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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