i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize