T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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