he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
