Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize