Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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