Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
