Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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