Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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