ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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