That's intense
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
