It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
