He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize