i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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