you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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