This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
