A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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