If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
