i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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