Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I need help removing her.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
