He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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