I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
