I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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