I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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