When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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