Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
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I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
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Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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