I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
