You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
