For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
