did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
