He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
