You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
