dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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