i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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