If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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