Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
