Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
