He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
