I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
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