Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I wish there were birth control emojis
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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