Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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