My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
