Pappa wants mamma naked
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
