I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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